The Expert And The Psychic Spade

By: C. L. W. - Actual name unknown

Source: The Bridge Player's Bedside Companion


The Bridge Player's Bedside Companion


The time has come, the Expert said,
To speak of many things:
Of suits and sluffs and singletons
And Jacks and Queens and King

And why the distribution's hot
And whether slams have wings.

One time I trumped, the Expert said,
My partner's diamond ace.

Dark anger glittered in his eye
And red suffused his face
As irate incredulity
To just plain ire gave place.

Declarer'd bid, upon my right,
A spade of psychic brand
Which suited me most perfectly,
In fact I thought it grand!

That diamond ace I butchered on
The eighth trick of the hand.

My partner won my spade return
And led his diamond king

I ruffed it with the five of spades
As slick as anything,
Because I held no other suit -
A most peculiar thing.

That ruddy face, the Expert said,
Did now deep crimson burn.

A snort of fury burst upon
The trump I did return;
But when I killed his ace of clubs
I really felt concern!

His eyes went cold, completely glazed
With homicidal hate,

And sweat made ice upon his brow
His dander was so great.
Strange noises blurped within him
Quite inarticulate.

I threw my lone remaining trump
Face up for him to see

In pitiful endeavor just
To save his sanity,

But hatred screened from out his eyes
The sight of aught but me.

My bare white throat, the Expert said,
That paranoiac eyed!

As venom driveled from his lips
I sought some place to hide;


But Providence was merciful,
He bit himself, and died!



The diligent reader and honored visitor will immediately recognize the similarities to the poem The Walrus and the Capenter by Mr. Lewis Carol, 1872, and which is from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There. The one verse, which stands out perhaps the most is rendered below for your enjoyment.


'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
'To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings.'


The Walrus and the Carpenter